Imagine Fyodor Dostoevsky cranking out a story for Halloween. Flash fiction, less than 1000 words. Imagine the story as a mini-Crime and Punishment with gallows humor. Maybe it would look something like this little number below. This puny story also has edgy music and deranged sound effects, thanks to those wonderfully unstable folks in New Zealand at Booktrack.
Click on the black-and-orange graveyard, which will transport you to...oh, well, you'll see. And, remember, you can read this story faster than you can spell F-y-o-d-o-r-D-o-s-t-o-e-v-s-k-y.
Two world-weary paramedics are included in this tale. Years ago, I knew two hilarious paramedics who scoured the midnight streets of downtown Detroit. Stan, Bernie...wherever you boys are...I salute you! If I must die in the back of a speeding ambulance, siren wailing, I hope it's yours. I would truly die laughing.
The Books Machine Blog: BOOK FEATURE: Floaters, a dystopian thriller!: Today, THE BOOKS MACHINE BLOG is featuring my dystopian, "near future" novella, FLOATERS. What's it about? It's about 35,00 words. And it's about this... When her boyfriend, Tim, goes missing, Rayne follows his trail to a movie theater. On the screen, she spots a familiar face in a crowd. "Tim?" When she opens the rear exit, her journey begins. Because at this theater, you never go out...the way you come in. Now turn off your cell phone, dim the lights. It's showtime.
You can read FLOATERS in the time it will take you to watch a movie.
Speaking of movies, do not enter this theater.
This theater will "punch your ticket."
Stay home. Read a book.
THE BOOKS MACHINE offers hundreds of free books in exchange for reviews. My three novels are available on the site. You can access The Books Machine via the link at the top of this post.
Maybe not. But it is a tiny thriller. A noir nugget. A morsel of mayhem. And it's FREE. Does your blood pressure need a bounce? If so, welcome. We're open. In fact, we're...
OPEN ALL NIGHT
a very tiny thriller (1100+ words)
free download (click on menu below)
This is a FREE short story. You can experience an anxiety attack at no cost to you. Cosmetic beauty treatments at nail salons are expensive. Why pay? Nibble your nails while reading OPEN ALL NIGHT. No need to go on a diet, this story will put a crimp in your appetite. Lose weight. Lose sleep. Lose a few minutes while reading...OPEN ALL NIGHT.
ARE YOU READY TO ORDER?
for a free copy, click on the menu (this will take you to Amazon for a .mobi copy for a Kindle)
For all other formats, including .epub for a Nook, click on Smashwords below.
If you enjoy OPEN ALL NIGHT, please post a quick review on Amazon or elsewhere. Think of it as a tip. (Pssst! Australian readers are given special seating at the restaurant, and are encouraged to run out without paying the bill. In fact, we will hold open the door and hand them a bag of snacks as they escape. We appreciate their appreciation of the offbeat.)
If you enjoy THE ART OF PHONE JU-JITSU, please post a quick review on Amazon or elsewhere. In the meantime, use your flip phone to flip off the telephone terrorists.
* * *
The above version of Phone Ju-Jitsu is text with pictures. Below is the Booktrack version of Phone Ju-Jitsu, which has a different endingandsound effects. Yes, music and sound effects. This is a telephone call like you've never heard it before. Brace yourself. Do not pick up this phone unless you're prepared to be hammered, hounded, and horrified. You ready? Or are you gutless? Go on. We dare ya. Pick it up and say, "Hello?"
Got a bully in your life? A violent madman with zero self-control? Are you sick of it and need some peace and quiet? Here's a simple solution that won't cost a cent, and the police will never show up at your door and handcuff you.
Click on the garbage can for further instructions...and then get some peace and quiet. Yes, it's time to take out the trash.
The other day I finished the draft of a novella (a scrappy 30,000+ words). What's a novella? It's a novel with a low-calorie, lifestyle disorder (caffeine diet, insomnia, deranged daydreams), hence its svelte word count. A novella can be easily spotted on the street. A novel puts on a silky book jacket before stepping outdoors, whereas a novella sprints up the street wearing Speed-o swim trunks and sneakers.
My novella, a thriller, is loosely based on my short story, EXIT, which won the 2013 San Francisco Litquake/Booktrack "Halloween" short fiction contest. This time around, there's less humor than the Jurassic Jim Fleetwood books. But there's plenty of dark suspense. And, as always, the narrative is very offbeat.
What's it's about? Well, the story begins at a movie theater. And at this theater, you never go out...the way you come in.
The story is still untitled. For now, I'm swinging it through a round of edits, and hope to release it later this month. In the meantime, relax, go see a movie.
(self-defense tips from the righteous Master of Love)
"I don't need no gun. I got love 'n romance on my side." -- K. Kong
My piece on Mr. Kong's last hour, and righteous last stand, can be found HERE at ALL THINGS CRIME BLOG. This is "stand your ground" the way it was meant to be.
Mr. Kong swatting planes and singing the Drifters' "Up on the Roof" "When this old world starts getting me down And people are just too much for me to face I climb way up to the top of the Empire State Building And all my cares just drift right into space .....Up on the rooooooooooooooofffff.....
The Bermuda Triangle is actually the
Bermuda Trapezoid, defined by points in Bermuda, San Juan,Miami, and Fort
Lee, New Jersey.
The Bermuda Trapezoid (U.S. Dept. of Paranormal Oceanography)
The Bermuda Trapezoid is infamous for "swallowing"
cargo ships and airplanes. American sunbathers crossing the Atlantic
on air mattresses are especially at risk. Recently, a Royal Caribbean
ship cut short a 10-day cruise after 700 passengers and crew fell ill with
vomiting and diarrhea. The captain admitted, "The ship passed near the
edge of the Bermuda Trapezoid for five measly minutes—then the sh*t hit the fan. It was a gastrointestinal tsunami."
So last year the U.S. Navy put traffic cones on the Bermuda
Trapezoid sea lanes for sailing safety. Their bright orange color ensured
visibility, even at times of maximum distraction (e.g., Godzilla appears, flips your air mattress). If you cruised between the floating cones, you
wouldn't vanish or time-travel to 2040.
So far, so good. But here the tale gets twisted. A trapezoid
has two parallel sides, and here are two parallel stories. Ready?
On Dec. 5, 1945, a squadron of five U.S. Navy torpedo
bombers disappeared during a routine training exercise. Sixty-eight years later,
several hundred cones vanished from the choppy waters near the Bahamas. Coincidence?
September 9, 2013. Miami, Florida,
Before losing radio contact off the coast of southern Florida, an airline
pilot was reportedly heard saying: "Everything
looks strange, even the ocean," and "We are entering white water, nothing seems right. Traffic…traffic
cones have…invaded our air space…"
September 9, 2013. Fort Lee, New
Jersey, 1:36 p.m.
Lewy Koogler, age 40, was sitting inside Fort Lee Cineplex,
watching Cloudy with a Chance of
Meatballs 2. Brats jammed the matinee. Lewy, a
lifelong fan of animated movies, sat alone in the dark amid flying candy and popcorn hail, spellbound
by foodimals and cartoon violence. The spell popped when an orange traffic cone
dropped through a time/space portal in the theater's roof, and landed on his
lap. For a fuzzy moment, he saw a tall top hat for a Dr. Seuss cat. Lewy cried
out, confused, clasping the cone as if he were under
attack. Excited, he hyperventilated, his head thrown back and eyes rolling.
Amid the laughter of hundreds of children enraptured by Meatballs 2, an adult's
strangled cry rose above the din.
Within seconds a beam of light blinded Lewy. A teen usher appeared,
pointing his flashlight at a pop-eyed adult rubbing a
traffic cone on his lap. The usher grimaced and turned away, whistled, his
flashlight beam finding another usher at the top of the aisle.
Within minutes the Fort Lee Police arrived at the theatre.
The arresting officer scanned the crowd of kids,
turned back to Lewy and said, "You towering turd of turpitude!"
The second officer hissed, "A registered cone offender. You total peesa sh*t!"
"Whuh?" Lewy said. "What'd I—"
"You're under arrest." Officer
#1 whacked the road marker with his nightstick. "Lewd conduct with a sex toy."
Handcuffed, Lewy was whisked outside to a patrol car, and booted
into the backseat.
On the drive to the Fort Lee Police Station, Officer #2
turned to his partner at the wheel. "Cuffing perverts gives me munchies. Let's get some donuts in Manhattan."
Soon they were midway on the GeorgeWashingtonBridge,
heading into Manhattan. Lewy was having a EMERGCON-level panic attack. "This...this can't be happening. Pull over, I gotta puke."
Officer #2 turned, shook his fist at Lewy. "You
touch your cone…"
Then it happened. A squadron of five U.S. Navy torpedo
bombers, circa 1945, suddenly appeared in thin air directly over the bridge.
Officer #1 knuckled the windshield. "Jumpin' Jesus!"
The bombers opened their hatches. Traffic cones rained from
the sky like cluster bombs, landing upright in perfect rows on the GW Bridge.
The bombers whooshed into the clouds, time traveling to 2040
A moment later the squad car dematerialized—POOF!—and was never seen again.
Before losing radio contact from the bridge, Officer #2 was
reportedly heard saying: "Everything
looks strange…Godzilla is in the Hudson River...sex toys line the highway...We are entering a pointless traffic
A nod to Victor Hugo, author of Les
Misérables, and its famous sewer scene. Think of this collection of humor as...
"Honey, this ain't the Tunnel of Love. Whoa!"
S.E.W.E.R is an acronym for: S.....Stories E.....Essays W....Warnings E.....Exposes
R.....Reports This book spotlights sewer rats (and a few innocent bystanders). pipe dreamnoun A goal, hope, ideal, or plan so fanciful that it is very unlikely to be realized. sewer pipe dreamdelusion A goal, hope, ideal, or plan so utterly deranged that it should be equipped with a toilet handle. To activate plan, simply flush it into the sewer system.
Question: Are you a connoisseur of bad behavior? If so, rejoice.
When does one officially become a connoisseur of criminal conduct? On the
day following the weary realization that you cannot stop, reduce, or even put a
dent into the rising tide of bad behavior. It's a global pandemic, a meltdown of
good manners. A tsunami of terrible tantrums. And the tidal wave is roaring toward you. You are a sentinel on civilization's shore, arms raised, stamping your feet in the sand and screaming, "Stop the shit--behave!" Alas. Here
comes a thundering 900-foot wall of water exploding with sharks, sea snakes, piranhas, barracuda, torpedo rays and
crocodiles. Good luck. Surf's up! Yesterday you were appalled. Today you applaud bad behavior. Insert the letter "u" into the word "appalled," twist it around, it spells "applaud." Coincidence? Think of it this way: "You" + "appalled" = "applaud." You
see, you are so utterly appalled and exhausted, you surrendered, jettisoned
your standards, and now applaud bad behavior.
Making the transition from "moralist" to "connoisseur of the
unrefined arts" requires three easy steps.
Frankenstein: Sperm Donor Daredevilis the world's first digital s.e.w.e.r. Available as an e-book at Amazon. Just click on the word S.E.W.E.R.
This slim volume
is a standing ovation to bad behavior. Contents include the godfather of bad
behavior, an embittered Walmart greeter, Frankenstein (the mega Mack-Daddy), telephone terrorism, Patty Hearst and Carl Jung, astral plane abductions, toilet bowl boosters, a miniature World War III, and…the world's only singing & dancing
Don't be appalled. Applaud!
SEWER RAT CHAT
"Chucky, I got a great idea. Listen. We need a disguise. We dress up like hamsters...and then...you know...we get Popsicle sticks...and when some putz walks by the sewer, like...we pop through the manhole cover and threaten to give him a Popsicle beatdown unless he hands over the cheese. Shit, Chucky, it's airtight. Chucky, you listening? Look at me, Chucky, when I talk to you." "Buzz off, Karl. I'm busy reading Tom Davidson's new book, 'Frankenstein: Sperm Donor Daredevil.' Wow. It's chock full of rats and ratty behavior. It's like...the Twilight Zone inside a sewer pipe. It reminds me of that French classic of gutter literature, 'Les Mousérables.' Remember? Gene the Gerbil stole a popcorn kernel in the city park that was meant for pigeons. The police chased him through the city's sewer system. 'Drop the popcorn,' the cops yelled, 'or we'll shoot!' Imagine being a starving gerbil, and swimming through a brown river of raw sewage while dodging bullets." "Shut up, Chucky. Or I'll slap your lips off."