The Museum of Sudden Disappearances

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Friday, December 11, 2015

Santa sends Xmas gifts via drones

Forget the quaint picture above, imagine this news headline:

Santa sends Christmas gifts via drones

“Flexible workforce,” said Santa, when asked why he upgraded (fired) his package carriers (reindeer). “I saw the writing on the wall: climate change. Here at the North Pole, the ice is melting. Reindeer will soon be extinct. So I downsized Rudolph and the other disgruntled deer. Oh, well, ten fewer mouths to feed. Screw ‘em. Ha ha. Drones, baby, are the way to go. You don’t feed drones. You just attach cheesy gifts, and send them out around the world. ‘Tis the season for merry mayhem.”

Here at The Museum of Sudden Disappearances Blog, we reminded Mr. Claus that the FAA set laws regarding drones, including these laughable restrictions:

-  Stay under four hundred feet.
-  Keep your drone in sight at all times.
-  Stay far away from manned aircraft.
-  Don't fly in bad weather...such as high winds and reduced visibility.
-  Stay five miles away from an airport or two miles from a heliport.

Santa frowned. "Restrictions? Seriously? Give a boy a BB gun on Christmas. Wait one day. Watch. He’ll be shooting at windows, birds, cars, neighbors, pedestrians, cyclists, motorcyclists, unicyclists, schools, police stations, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, crowded city buses, City Hall, and folks walking out of church. Fortunately, only two types of targets fall under his purview: things that move, things that don’t move. All else is off-limits.”

Asked if he could describe this typical, innocent lad, Santa replied:

"A book was written about an innocent child who got a BB gun for Christmas, and underwent a personality disorder within 10 minutes. The little boy's name was Freddie. You may have heard of it. The book is called..."

"Jackal," Santa went on, "is actually a thinly-veiled autobiography of a boy who gets a BB gun for Christmas, and in no time becomes an international assassin on a ten-speed bicycle." 

Asked if he could further describe innocent kids like Freddie, Santa replied:

“Typically, he’s a chubby-cheeked sniper with crooked teeth and a Justin Bieber haircut. His moral view of the world could fit within a buttonhole. I should know. I’ve delivered tons of BB guns. I’m December’s #1 gun runner. There is no background check for BB guns. Or for drones. It’s already projected that a million drones may be under Christmas trees in 2015, prices starting at $20 on up. By December 26, our skies will be crowded with surface-to-air toys of trouble and terror. Everyone currently not hiding inside the International Space Station will be a potential target, getting in the cross hairs of a drone being flown by a 12-year-old kid who's gotten bored with playing Grand Theft Auto V...and has upped the ante. Yikes! But...not to worry. Despite centuries of bad behavior, surely we humans will religiously observe the five FAA restrictions noted above.”


The interview ended on that upbeat note. Santa had to continue attaching crappy gifts to his fleet of drones, with less than two weeks before Christmas. This year, there will be no sound of sleigh bells and dancing deer on your rooftop. What sound will you hear?

It will be the sound of your responsible neighbor, Larry Kowalski, flying a big kite with a four-hundred foot string in a snowy wind. This way, Larry will know precisely how far up he can fly his new drone without pissing off the FAA. Why? Because he's responsible. Because, in today's world, everyone is responsible.

IF you’re among the 2 or 3 doubters who think Larry Kowalski is a reckless, feather-brained nitwit who would refuse to fly a kite to an exact altitude of 400 feet for measuring purposes and public safety, then you may be on board with this pessimistic vision of our drone invasion. See previous post below (scroll down slightly). 

PS: From Sunday, December 13 to Thursday, December 17, my thriller EXIT will be free on Amazon. What's it about? Drones. Click HERE for description, reviews, and download link. And, yes, EXIT has far less whimsy than this blog.