The Museum of Sudden Disappearances

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Sunday, February 24, 2019

#1 in the Universe


Cosmic Earthling Overlord

CEOWORLD magazine released its ranking of the most powerful people in the world. Topping the list is this power trio.

power trio

#1  Donald Trump (U.S.)
#2  Vladimir Putin (Russia)
#3  Xi Jinping (China)

A power trio is a rock-n-roll band with a guitar, bass and drums. Think Cream, Jimi Hendrix Experience, or Led Zep. The above trio frequently perform on the world's stage, but no one would describe any of them as a "song-and-dance man." Perhaps they play air guitar.

In November 2018, the world population was pegged at 7.7 billion. So the U.S. president beat out nearly 8 billion people for the top spot: Most Powerful Person in the World. But that description is misleading. It's like saying "Jeff Bezos (#6 on list) is solvent." Or Vladimir Putin -- a/k/a Vlad the Impaler -- stays in shape via defenestration aerobics (throwing critics through fifth-floor windows). Both descriptions are true, but limited. Calling someone the most powerful person in the world reveals a myopic imagination.

Consider this story from the New York Post (12/8/17).

Half of humans believe in alien life, study says

"Nearly half of Earthlings believe that we aren’t alone in the universe — and want to make contact with alien life, according to a new study..."
Yoo hoo!
Half equals 3.85 billion believers. Half also equals 3.85 billion nonbelievers. So nearly four billion people believe we are alone in the universe. There's a 50% chance they're right. If so, ipso facto, Donald Trump is the most powerful person in the universe. 

President Pee Wee?
Anyone can run for president in America. What if, say, Pee Wee Herman ran and was elected by a disgruntled majority. He would be, in the eyes of nearly four billion people, hands down, the most powerful person in the universe. If you stood outside, anywhere in the world, and looked heavenward, you'd be a tiny dot in the unending Pee Wee cosmos. All would be within the domain of President Pee Wee, for zillions of light years in any direction.
Pee Wee Herman would be the most famous, most powerful person in all creation. He alone among almost eight billion people...would bubble up to the top. Why? Because 51% of the electorate was in a shitty mood on election day.
Mr. Universe? Not quite.
Next year, Vlad the Impaler could rise to the top slot. Imagine the most powerful dude in the universe spending a few minutes each day pitching ingrates through windows or squirting radioactive material on dissenters. The cosmos would be reduced to a thugocracy.
Alas, the Universe Championship isn't just a bodybuilding event. It's the culmination of 70,000,000 frisky voters (less than two percent of the global population), with vertical middle fingers, sending a shock wave across a gazillion galaxies. 

Next time, vote as if the universe depends on it.